A Marriage Proposal

It never fails to happen. They have to wake me up when I am sleeping. Of course, you can wake someone up only when he is sleeping, I mean how can you wake someone up if he is not sleeping, unless of course, you thought he was sleeping and he wasn't actually sleeping but pretended to be sleeping. Iam trying to say it is just that I never get the full run of my sleep.

This time it sounded as though they were celebrating Christmas eve in my bed room. Personally, I have nothing against Santa Claus and his army of singers who turn up every chritmas night, but I resent it very much if he sits on my stomach to say Merry Christmas. I woke up wearily, tried to shove off Mr.Claus from my stomach and to my surprise, it was not santa, but my nephew who was on the belly and he was hollering at the top of his voice asking me to wake up.

"What is the matter? It is only 9.30. What is wrong?"

"Did you forget what day it is? You are going to your would-be-wife's house today. Wake up and get ready. We have to be there by 11am." That was my sister who had come down from Bangalore, for this ceremony.

How could I forget what day it was? I was thinking of her all night. I was singing to her too,"tere bina zindagi se koi" and running around all those bushes, shrubs and trees. P.S. That is how you go about wooing a woman. You sing and prance about the trees & shrubs and roll over grass and generally appraise the girl of your physical prowess to dance to her tune, in future. And my back was aching like hell. The thing about dreams...they disappear off into the void but leave you a little tired and sleepy in the morning.

"WAAAKKKE UUUPPP!!!!" Now it was my sister's turn to shout.

It never ceases to amaze me that almost everyone shouts at me for something or the other. It is not that Iam deaf, but they kinda feel that they have to shout at me for those things to register in my head. About a week back, my house was burgled and these guys took just about everything from the house, except the TV. May be they couldn't take the TV because I was watching some programme on it, but the point is that I got screamed at by everyone in the house for it. What if I wasn't watching the TV...they would have taken TV away too. It is so difficult to drive some sense into their head when they are in the shouting mode.

I passed by my dad's room, on my way to the kitchen for a coffee. My mom was there too. They seemed very worried.

" What if he says something stupid? If this marriage proposal does not result in marriage, I do not think anything else will. The marriage broker told me that this would be last time he would bring an alliance proposal for Venu." My dad seemed very angry and upset too.

I smiled knowingly. I knew what I was going to do and I knew it would work. This girl was destined to be my wife. The previous proposals were but warm ups to the present one and I was oozing confidence from all the pores. I was still oozing when....

"Do you have to drool so much for a coffee?" Now it was my servant's turn to shout.

For some strange reason, my sis refused to come with to the girl's house. Neither did my parents. That did not bother me. They would have made me so self conscious, especially when I really opened up to talk, with their piercing glances which had the effect of a restraining order from the civil court of law.

I parked the car about fifty meters away from the girl's house. The marriage broker ,the only person to join me, and myself stepped out and walked towards the house.. No sooner had we reached the gate when he glanced back and motioned me to do the same.

A cop was standing next to my car and did what seemed like pasting something on my window pane. I rushed up to the cop and almost snatched what looked like a small slip of paper, which looked like a cash receipt. But my eyes ballooned out and my heart did a somersault when I saw what was being pasted on the window pane. It read "PARKING FINE". I was so touched and overwhelmed by this rare show of courtsey by a policeman. I mean.... how would you react if a cop walked upto you and said, " Sir, your parking is just fine". It is not everyday, policemen do such things for you. And this particular cop even showed the courtsey to stick a compliment on my car. With tears in my eyes, I shook his hand vigorously and showered a volley of
thanks.

He looked at me the way you would look at the mosquito you are about to swat. His eyes opened up wide for a second and narrowed down to slits as though he was focussing on some point on my face . I was not in the least bit surprised These cops are not used to encouraging words and probably thought I was pulling his leg.. That was when the marriage broker interfered and
indicated with his hands that the cop would be shot if he tried something violent. He simply raised his hand, pointed at me and then pointed the finger on his own head and tapped gently thrice and the cop got the message. I liked the fellow, even if he occasionally shouted at me and called me names.

The girl's brothers were at the gate to receive us. They were two big guys and one them shook my hand so violently that I thought it would come off at the should joint and the other one squeezed them so tight, my fingers became webbed like a duck's feet. The broker had filled me in on the details of the girl's family. Her father served in the army and was no more. The brothers were state wrestling champions.

She was a petite beauty. I had gathered from the photo that she was beautiful, but I had not counted on such remarkably beautiful looks. All the dialogues I had prepared seemed not to come to my mouth, but stopped at the entrance, giving a choked and congested feeling in the chest and left my mouth open and agape. I knew I had to say something so as not to look stupid.

"Brrr..." Couldn't say I didn't try.

My mouth had gone completely dry, in fact so dry, my tongue was stuck in its groove and refused to move.

I looked around to see something on which I could strike up a conversation. There was the photo of a man, in military uniform, hanging froim the wall. There was something vaguely familiar about this guy and but I couldn't put my finger on it.

Finally I broke the impasse. and pointed to the photo on the wall and asked her.

" Was your dad in the army for a long time?"

Have you poured water on the floor and watched it slowly slither all over the place. You can hardly see it move, but it is so smooth that before you knew it, the water was all over the place. The same thing happened with a ghostly silence that decended on all of us. It came down from the skies, crept into room and pervaded every nook and corner of the house. It was so silent that you could hear an ant clear its throat a mile away.

The girl and the brothers were staring at me the way you would look at Laloo Prasad Yadav and Rabri Devi, if they communicated with each other in dutch. It was like they couldn't believe what they were hearing.

The broker got up and hissed.

"Let's go"

"What do you mean let's go?"

"Listen, you dimwit. I have half a mind to kick you in the face and don't make me do it."

I knew he would from the way he looked and I was positive that if he didn't , the brothers would. We slithered out of the house and the compound.

"What did I do?".

"I don't want to say it twice and so you can listen to it when I talk to your dad about it."

And so we reached home and dad.

"your son did it again".

"What did he did again..I mean..do again?" My dad was as confused as I was.

"He asked the girl if her father was in army"

"What is wrong with that? He was in the army".

"But he was not the father"

"Brrrr....." Yes, as you probably guessed, it was me alright.

"What do you mean he was not the father?"

"Your son pointed out to a photo and asked her if her father was in the army. That was not her father."

"What is wrong with that? Anybody could make that mistake."

"No, nobody else could make this mistake except this nitwit"

"Don't call my son that. Pls clarify"

" I mean only this fruit cake of your son would point out to Nethaji Subhash Chandra Bose's photo and say a thing like that"